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Welcome to Round 2 of the 1st annual Breakfast at Jimothy's Pop Culture Madness Bracket. Round 1 saw some real grudge matches, a few upsets, and some utter domination. Round 2 is upon us, and this time we have 7 new judges making their important selections for who they think should move on. I'd like to thank all the judges, Andrew "Woody" Chace, Christine "The Gimp" Smith, Kristen "The Brooklyn Ginger" Borowiec, Sean "Band Camp" Mottola, Sarah "The Governess" Pacitti, Matt "Thunder" Rizzini, and my weirdo friend who wished to only be referenced in this blog as "Sixpack". Your effort and thoughts were much appreciated and truly astounding. I value my friendship with each of you. On to the match ups!
1. Fez vs. OJ Simpson's Bloody Glove:
- Kristen-"Fez made out with Mila Kunis so he wins life. And this round."
- Andrew-"The glove.....it instituted a beliefe in people everywhere that 'Hey, if somebody else can get away with murder, so can I.'"
- Sarah-"Fez because Wilmer Valderrama dated Lindsay Lohan for a while, and I bet that's gotta be tough."
- Christine-"Fez. I've always hated blood."
- Matt-" A few years ago I didn't care much for That 70's Show but now it's the show I watch while I eat breakfast before work every day. I've had no choice but to become fond of Fez and the other characters. OJ's glove doesn't get me going in the morning like Fez does."
- Sean-"Yo Momma was the dumbest show on TV. Fez is dead."
- Winner: Fez 4-3
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| Excited For the Sweet 16 |
2. Neville Longbottom vs. Bald Britney Spears:
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| Skrillex Haircut Gone Wrong. |
- Kristen-"While bald Britney was certainly an entertaining part of my adolescence, I have to go with Neville Longbottom simply because I am a woman and have you seen him lately?! Puberty worked wonders on this guy."
- Sean-"After taking Buzzfeed's 'Which Nerdy Sidekick are you?' quiz, I got Neville. He represents loyalty and bravery which I respect."
- Christine-"I might be one of the only people that is NOT a fan of Harry Potter - bald Britney it is. Plus 'Lucky' will forever be a classic."
- Sixpack-"Britney. I occasionally jammed out to her album 'Oops!...I did it again' back in the day."
- Andrew-"Going against her 2007 hit 'Gimme More', Britney made a BALD choice in shaving her head. Considering I will be in a similar position one day, she's an inspiration. And plus, Neville was a dweeb."
- Matt-"Longbottom wins because all the girls love him now after his transformation from chubby little kid into a hunk, but I feel like in a few years this win will be vacated when a scandal breaks out that it was actually two different actors playing the role."
- Sarah-"Bald Britney Spears because everyone deserves a fresh start (every hair follicle, too). Plus, wigs."
- Winner: Bald Britney Spears, in what can only be deemed an upset, 4-3. 10 Points for Slytherin!
3. Edward Snowden vs. Daniel Bryan's YES!!!! Chant:
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| Join the YES! Movement. |
- Sean-"Snowden is a bender. Daniel Bryan would dropkick him into yesterday. Next."
- Christine-"Snowden. Fascinates me that he just hung out in the Russian airports for a while, plus wrestling really doesn't do it for me."
- Sarah-"Edward Snowden because if he ever wanted to invite ladies back to his place in the winter he could call it the Snow Den. And other stuff, too."
- Andrew-"Snowden was a technological martyr. Daniel Bryan was done more with two fingers than any man ever has. I vote YES! on D. Bryan."
- Matt-"I'm convinced it was hundreds of YES!! YES!! YES!! chants that my drunken friends and I yelled at MSG that propelled the Friars to win the Big East Championship. Without a doubt YES wins this one. YES!! YESS!! YESS!!"
- Sixpack-"It takes a lot to make Jim happy...it's almost impossible. This chant changed his life."
- Kristen-"Edward Snowden. Simply because this pick will piss Jim off."
- Winner: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! 4-3. This was too close for comfort.
4. Skeeter Valentine vs. Paris Hilton's DJ Career:
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| Talent. |
- Matt-"This one is personal for me. Nobody loves DJs more than me and I've been seething ever since Paris Hilton got a residency at a club in Ibiza (the EDM capital of the world.) who would ever pay money to see her DJ when some of the best in the world are right around the corner? Ugh I'm done with this, Skeeter wins and he wins big."
- Sean-"Every kid in the 90's wished they had a best friend like Skeeter. *HONK HONK*"
- Sarah-"Skeeter Valentine because one time I asked my mom her favorite cartoon character and she said 'Skeeter Valentine'."
- Sixpack-"Skeeter- I'm a huge Doug fan. Skeeter's the raddest dude around."
- Andrew-"Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz used Skeeter's name to introduce the world a new form of birth control in 'Get Low'....I rest my case."
- Christine-"Skeeter. Paris Hilton's attempts at being a DJ don't count as a career."
- Kristen-"Skeeter knew neon was cool before you did."
- Winner: Skeeter Valentine in a damn landslide, 7-0. All is right with the world.
5. Amanda Bynes' Twitter Meltdown vs. George Clooney in Space:
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| Woof. |
- Christine-"Clooney hands down. Such a silver fox. Although I did love the Amanda show..."
- Sixpack-"Amanda Bynes. She's crazy...I'm afraid of her."
- Sarah-"Amanda Bynes because of the Amanda Show."
- Andrew-"Clooney is better looking afloat than he is on ground. Also, he was a ghost. So that's pretty cool."
- Matt-"I stopped following Amanda awhile ago so I just checked up on her to find out she has deleted all her outrageous tweets. I was ready to give her a victory in here but I can't give it to someone who is hiding from her past. Plus Gravity was a pretty sweet movie."
- Winner: Clooney in Space 4-3. Amanda just can't catch a break these days.
6. Kel Mitchell vs. Gingers:
- Andrew-"If 'orange soda' was actually called 'red soda', this would be a tossup. But everyone thinks that Kel is dead. And he's not. So he wins."
- Sarah-"Kel Mitchell is my lady. Did you know I am ahead of her in a NCAA bracket right now? XO lady thanks for all the good times. Can't wait to see you soon! HAGS, KIT."
- Sean-"Orange soda vs. Orange hair. Tough choice. Seeing as Kel Mitchell's career went extinct before the ginger population, I have to give it to the gingers. Grit and pure determination, plain and simple."
- Matt-"It's a well known fact that Kel Mitchell loves people with orange hair simply because he also loves orange soda. That being said, Kel might feel bad when he destroys the soulless gingers and advances into the next round."
- Sixpack-"I love burgers."
- Christine-"Kel. Kenan would've been so lost without him."
- Kristen-"If gingers don't win this round I'm boycotting this blog for the rest of my life. Gingers, despite not having souls, are some of the most lovable creatures on earth. Gingers FTW."
- Winner: Kel Mitchell 5-2. Looks like Kristen will now be boycotting my blog.
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| Welcome to the Sweet 16, Home of the Sweet 16, Can I .... |
7. Blue Ivy Carter vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin:
- Sixpack-"Austin 3:16. Sorry Jay-Z but he'll chug a beer and kick your ass any day of the week."
- Christine-"Blue Ivy. As much as the name drives me crazy, again, I've already shared my thoughts on wrestling....Also Bonnie and Clyde is still one of my favorites."
- Andrew-"Steve Austin made chugging beers look easy, and wearing knee braces look fucking awesome. 'What do you want for Christmas, Johnny?' 'Knee braces, and a hell yeah!"
- Sean-"Stone Cold had a great run, but I leave you with the words of our beloved Frankie MacDonald: Blue Ivy is SOO POWERFUL!!"
- Sarah-"Baby Blue because she is gonna wake up one morning and realize that she has a lot of pressure on her to be the best person in the world, so that's gotta be rough. She needs all the help, love and support she can get."
- Matt-"Blah blah blah blah I get it, Blue Ivy has the coolest parents in the world blah blah...but wanna know who doesn't give a shit about Blue Ivy and her parents? STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, THAT'S WHO! Austin 3:16 advances to the next round chugging beers and kickin' ass along the way."
- Winner: Blue Ivy Carter 4-3. After his loss, Stone Cold Steve Austin was asked his thoughts on the outcome, to which he replied:
8. Ryan Gosling vs. Tandem Bicycles:
- Christine-"Gosling. 3 words: Crazy. Stupid. Love."
- Andrew-"Gosling is overrated. I mean, who hasn't hung from poles of a ferris wheel begging a girl for a date?"
- Matt-"Tough one here. I really love it when Gosling refuses to eat his cereal, but I'm gonna have to go with tandem bikes because The Ranch put serious consideration into getting one for our senior year and there would have been no stopping us from owning the campus if we did."
- Kristen-"The Dirty Dancing scene in Crazy Stupid Love. End of argument. Gosling."
- Sixpack-"Tandem bicycles. I hate those Ryan Gosling memes."
- Sarah-"Tandem bicycles. 2 is better than one. If you said Ryan Gosling x2 I would say that as an answer, but you didn't."
- Sean-"As the founder and current president of 'Team Gosling' my vote is obvious. I would have loved to see a Tatum vs. Gosling matchup here."
- Winner: In the biggest upset of the tournament, TANDEM BICYCLES 4-3. My God.
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| Nice Afternoon Ride to the SWEET 16! |
9. North Korean Dennis Rodman vs Judge Judy:
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| Probably telling Rodman to ZIP IT |
- Kristen-"Who gives two poops about Judge Judy???? Gotta go with anyone crazy enough to actually enter North Korea."
- Christine-"Strongly dislike both so this is a tough one. I guess Judge Judy is the lesser of two evils."
- Sarah-"Judge Judy. I dressed up as her for Halloween and I also started this new bit when people email me annoying things I send a GIF of Judge Judy dramatically rolling her eyes as a response. So, her."
- Sean-"It takes guts to go to a communist country and sing happy birthday to an insane Draconian leader, but Judge Judy has been dishing out justice to the masses since '96. Queen bitch with the gavel takes this one."
- Sixpack-"North Korean Dennis Rodman. He's always getting into something whacky. Let him live!"
- Andrew-"I'm surprised Kim Jong-Un has yet to dye his hair like a rainbow. DR has 5 rings, several known and even more unknown STD's, and was once a wrestler in WCW."
- Winner: Judge Judy, in a contest where no one should win, 4-3.
10. Will Ferrell vs. Space Jam:
- Kristen-"I hate you for this match up. Space Jam???? I don't know the correct answer here."
- Sixpack-"I love Will but I probably watched Space Jam 1,000 times as a kid. I used to think I was drinking Michael's secret stuff when I played sports."
- Matt-"Wow, this is intense. This one deserves to be a Final 4 matchup. It's a shame that Space Jam has to go down so early but Ferrell wins because of his depth. He can go right down his bench filled with All-Americans (movies) who would be starting for any other team in the nation."
- Christine-"As embarassing as this is, I've never seen Space Jam, but I HATE Will Ferrell so Space Jam it is. Whats not to like about MJ mixed with Looney Tunes?"
- Sarah-"Kids of the 90's reference Space Jam all the time like it is so specific to them. It was all of ours. We all saw it. It is not just yours. No one thinks Will Ferrell is just for them. Will Ferrell is for everyone and that is understood. Will Ferrell."
- Sean-"I really like this matchup. If Space Jam is on TV I'm watching it no matter what. Will Ferrell movies just don't have that aura about them. Plus, Space Jam the video game was rad as fugg. Space Jam FTW."
- Winner: Space Jam 5-2, in a real grudge match. They're both winners, in a way.
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| Talkin' Strategy for the Sweet 16 |
11. Lord Voldemort vs. Leo DiCaprio's Non-existant Oscar:
- Sean-"If I remember correctly, the prophesy reads '...either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives...' Only Potter can defeat Voldemort. Sorry Leo, you'll win one day."
- Andrew-"Oh, you mean in Titanic 2? Leo wins."
- Sarah-"Lord Vold, um, Lor, eh, Lord Voldem...HIM."
- Sixpack-"I don't care if he hasn't won an oscar...every girl sheds a tear when they see him sink to the bottom of the ocean in Titanic. Now that's something to be proud of!"
- Kristen-"They're both losers. Voldemort was blown up into little tiny pieces though and Leo's nonexistent Oscar still has a chance to become an existant one. Maybe after Leo bangs a few more chicks though. Oscar. Easy."
- Christine-"Leo always comes first. Breaks my heart that Leo has never won an Oscar."
- Winner: Leo's Non-existant Oscar, 5-2. At least he's winning something!
12. Jason Bourne vs. Sharknado:
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| ? |
- Andrew-"I don't nkow what Sharknado is. So Bourne wins."
- Sean-"Jason 'Born to Kill' Bourne is unstoppable. A tactical killer who will find a way to destroy you at all costs. He will find a way to defeat the Sharknado."
- Kristen-"The Sharknado guy pronounces his name (Ian) "EYE-an"...what a douche. Jason Bourne would stop a Sharknado before it even happened. Bourne."
- Sarah-"Sharknados seem SO REAL. I am answering Sharknado out of fear, and fear alone."
- Matt-"Have you see the Bourne movies? The dude is the best assassin in the world. I see no way he loses to a few sharks flying around in a tornado. Like that would ever happen."
- Winner: Jason Bourne, obviously, 6-1
13. Buffalo Chicken vs. Sir Elton John:
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| Wait, is he the actual Rocket Man? |
- Sarah-"Both are bold, spicy and I would want them both at any social gathering. Buffalo chicken, though."
- Sixpack-"Buffalo chicken. This goes back to Wings and Things in good ol' Riverside. Nothing against Elton John."
- Sean-"I love Elton's style, music, and legacy. Buffalo chicken goes great with most things, especially ranch dressing. Really difficult choice here. I have to say Sir Elton in OT. Buffalo wings would have changed the matchup entirely."
- Christine-"Buff Chick obviously. Golden Crust would be lost without it."
- Andrew-"I fully expect to turn gay for a few moments during his Bonnaroo performance in June. And luckily none of my friends will be there to remind me of it."
- Kristen-"Elton John puts on a killer concert but buffalo chicken puts on a killer concert in my mouth whenever I damn want. Buff chick."
- Matt-"With all due respect to the great Elton John, buffalo chicken has saved my life more times than I can ever remember and I am forever grateful."
- Winner: Buffalo Chicken 5-2. Hold me closer, tiny buffalo.
14. The Royal Baby vs. Beyonce's Surfbort:
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| Nice dress, Nerd. |
- Christine-"The Royal Baby. Even though he and Kate ruined my chances of ever marrying Prince William."
- Andrew-"The baby will be loaded and popular regardless of choice. Beyonce earned hers. I vote, the booty."
- Sarah-"Beyonce's surfboard is Jay-Z. I like Jay-Z because I know more about him because he is an adult that has done things and not a small baby that has not done that much stuff yet. So, Beyonce's Surfboard."
- Matt-"I'm not even gonna get into Beyonce's Surfbort. The Royal Baby wins on formality."
- Sean-"A double diaper dandy! Serfbort is just too good. One word changing a generation."
- Kristen-"What? Royal baby. Guy was a legend the second the sperm hit the egg. Only other person who can say that is Blue Ivy. That should be your next round matchup. Make the judges squirm."
- Sixpack-"Surfbort. I don't really know what this is but I'll take it. The royal wedding/baby was just too much for me."
- Winner: Beyonce's Surfbort 4-3
15. President Calvin Coolidge vs. The Song From Titanic:
- Matt-"Silent Cal is a good guy. Reasons for why he wins? Apparently he enjoyed eating pancakes and he's a New Englander. Just like me."
- Christine-"Celine Dion is phenomenal, as is this song, as is Leo in Titanic."
- Sean-"I'm giving the 'cool edge' to Coolidge. Get it!?"
- Kristen-"Two extremely important parts of American history....and this song is more memorable. Celine."
- Andrew-"Calvin gave the assist to Hoover, setting up the Great Depresseion. So yeah, the greatest middle school dance song of all time wins."
- Sixpack-"My Heart Will Go On. Tell me you haven't hit the high notes in this song before!"
- Sarah-"I spent a weekend learning 'My Heart Will Go On' on a keyboard in my basement when I was younger. SENTIMENTAL STUFF."
- Winner: Song from Titanic goes on, 5-2. Sorry Cal. So much for my pick for a Cinderella story.
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| Cal was disappointed, but was happy with his parting gift of an Indian Headdress. |
16. Bill Murray vs. Superbad:
- Sixpack-"A classic guy vs a classic movie. Bill is great, we all know...but Superbad is a gem. Every line is perfect. Let em' party!"
- Sarah-"Bill Murray was supposedly in a bar the same time I was once. But, he left before I saw him. He is sneaky and beautiful. I spent the rest of my time asking the bouncer if he 'really left.'. Him."
- Andrew-"Bill Murray may look old as balls, but he will go down as one of the greatest comedians of all time. Sorry Jules."
- Sean-"Bill Murray. Rushmore."
- Christine-"Superbad. Fogell really entertained me."
- Matt-"Similar to Ferrell vs. Space Jam. Murray has the depth needed for a deep tournament run but sometimes the bench guys just don't show up to play. Ever since Superbad has come out, there probably hasn't been a week that has gone by that my friends or myself haven't quoted it. It's a timeless classic. Even though Murray received a slight push with his PBR pants he wore the other day, Superbad wins."
- Winner: Bill Murray 4-3
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| No one can lose in PBR pants. |
