Musings at a Massachusetts Dairy Queen

It's Labor Day! Isn't that lovely. To me, Labor Day used to angst-riddled and filled with the inevitable dread of a brand spanking new school year. Nowadays, I don't mind it so much. Instead of worrying about the looming grab-ass chatter, distribution of syllabuses (syllabi?) and seeing who got better looking over the summer, I get to look forward to fall. As I have gotten older (and my seasonal allergies have eased up over the years), the end of Summer and start of Fall is rather lovely! My ideal weather is where I can be comfortable in skinny jeans, a t shirt and if need be, a zip up hoodie. I am giddy with excitement of listening to The Smiths as I wander the mean streets of Providence and then plop myself down with a quaint english murder mystery series. You know the type, small town in the countryside where there are an astounding amount of murders for such a small place. There's a good chance the butcher will get framed because he was sleeping with the preacher's wife but at the same time, that harlot was also shtupping the baker's younger brother who just got back from studying abroad who ACTUALLY wanted to kill the Vicar because...oh never mind, you know the type of show. 

Where was I? Right, Fall! A couple days ago I was at a Dairy Queen I have driven by 3,000 times in my life on my way to and from work and finally decided to pop in and get something. I brought a notebook and decided to try to come up with some things to blog about in the near future: my musings at a Massachusetts Dairy Queen. I came up with a few topics but must say I was distracted by the scene at said Dairy Queen. 

The woman working the register must dread airport securities because I can't see taking out what looked like 3 different tongue piercings being a whole lot of fun. The floors were quite sticky. This made me shudder as I heard a mother start yelling at her son because he had just came back from the bathroom and somehow lost both his shoes and was now rawdogging the aforementioned floors with bare feet. I was contemplating my decision to finally try this DQ when the burger I ordered, some monstrosity called a Flamethrower, showed up. To be honest with you, it wasn't bad. Spicy as hell but I mean that in a loving way. As I attempted to free my mind about the possibility of catching scurvy at this place, I tried to focus on my upcoming fantasy football draft. Then I started feeling bad about myself. 

Fantasy football is stupid. It's incredibly dumb. Also, we must keep in mind this: guys are dumb. Does it make sense that a made up game about real life football games is a driving factor to keep millions and millions of friend groups together? Absolutely not! Yet each year, friend groups will get together on a carefully selected date (always easily settled on every year!) and draft their minions. The goal? Supremacy with your most treasured friends and loved ones. Sure you might win a couple bucks, get to keep a trophy that gets passed around and hasn't had an updated engraving for past champions since 2015, but the bragging rights is what matters most. 

My league is entering year 11. Each and every day I thank the fantasy Gods that I have never came in last place, which features a trophy with a horse's ass on it, and is named after the most annoying girl that we went to high school with. It gives you good reason to have a special place in your heart for players you normally couldn't care less. If I ever run into Jordy Nelson, DeVonta Freeman or Aaron Rodgers (okay maybe not that weirdo) I would gladly pay for their beer or meal for them leading me to my one season of glory in 2016. 

Fantasy football is great fun...at times. Actually a lot of it is second guessing yourself as if you could have predicted that a player you drafted in round 5 was going to snap their Achilles in week 3, or some no name player out of BYU with a name that sounds like a character from the Lion King was going to light up scoreboards and cost you multiple games. It's dumb and at times stressful but there is nothing more satisfying than beating your friends at stupid stuff. Nothing.

As I was prepping for my draft at this dreary Dairy Queen, it dawned on me that with the first overall pick, I was doing the no brainer move of selecting San Francisco 49ers running back Christian McCaffrey. Even the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz was smart enough to take CMC with that pick. I noted that he is now married to former Miss Rhode Island, Miss USA and, of course, because Rhode Island rules the world, Miss Universe, Olivia Culpo. 

"...did you just say, 'coffee milk and hot weiners'?"

Years ago I met her when I was probably 12? 13? A neighbor of mine was friends with her and while I tried to say hey and mumble something that sounded cool at the time, she paid absolutely no mind to me despite standing next to her. I don't even think her eyes left her Razr phone for a second when I was introduced. I was probably on my way home from the convenience store, possibly on roller blades, maybe a bike and definitely had a bag that contained a vanilla coke and some sort of candy bar. I would've offered but she was so stuck up I became frightened and decided to just keep going on home. I thought of this when she won title after title and was then hobnobbing with Donald Trump. I also thought of it when ex boyfriend and ex New England Patriot Danny Amendola had that hilariously awful, cringe inducing instagram post where he tried to sum up their breakup. 

Now all these years later, I have to do the unthinkable and select that dope's new husband, with the hope that he brings me glory against my group of idiot (I mean that lovingly!!!) friends. Suddenly, fantasy and reality have to blend again. This is a no win for me! Each time he scores a touchdown I'm sure I'll think of getting absolutely ignored! This season will be tough and now I have to deal with this. Having this number one pick was a real blessing and a curse for me. If it ends with glory, so be it. But will the happiness outweigh the moment of embarrassment that I felt back in like...2003?

My what a tangled web we weave. I have to put my faith in the power couple of Rhode Island. This stinks. 

2024 Songs of the Summer!!!!!!!!!!!

Boy howdy, it's been a while! Lots happenin' and movin' and shakin' am I right? How about those Celtics huh? Not bad. Anyways, I figured it's been simplytoo long and to dust off the ol' blog and give a good ol' fashioned list of my songs of the summer 2024. No one gives their songs of the Summer! It's a novel idea. While I am older and wiser, my taste in music has...well...not really changed to be quite honest. I still like what I like and I hate what I hate. Despite the fact I have to take a daily magnesium supplement and my body sounds like a haunted house with all the creaking, cracking moaning and groaning when I get out of bed, I can still give a hot take or two on the current scene. I don't think I've mellowed any. I still am a firm believer that country music is proof that God is real and he hates us all. I just don't want anyone to think I've lost my fastball. With that, let the takes begin and let me give you, Dearest Gentle Reader, my top 10 songs of Summer 2024.

10. Jaguar Love- Polaroids and Red Wine: Catchy! Dance-y! Indie Sleaze vibes! There's synth! This makes me want to throw on some American Apparel and reminisce about the last post by Hipster Runoff. Usually I don't care for songs involving the word sunshine, but I make an exception here because the line "I was in the back of my car, sleeping in the sunshine, polaroids and drinking red wine, sleeping in the sunshine, sleeping in the sunshine" sounds like a good enough time to me. It's not higher on this list for 2 reasons: it came out in 2010 (did anyone hear of Jaguar Love before? I totally missed them back in the day) so it loses some points for not being new. The other reason it's at 10 is because I tried listening to the rest of this album and it is not worth your time. This song is a true bop, though, and worth a full listen on the Spotify machine!

9. Militarie Gun- Thought You Were Waving: Probably the most somber of the list but still worth your time. Militarie Gun is one of those new young bands that gives me hope of a decent future for rock. Their song 'Very High' is a gem, but their newest single 'Thought You Were Waving' just came out this month and it is a delight. It may not be as poppy as the other songs here but it gets the job done. It is annoying to deal with spellcheck while writing about them but whatever man, I'm wishing Militarie Gun all the best and to keep the hits coming. Maybe not a true Summer anthem, BUT  it mentions drowning and that can happen in a beach or a pool so there's some depressing summer vibes to give things a nice boost! 

8. Dreamkid- Chrissy: I've been digging the amusing and oddly specific subgenre that is known as Synthwave lately. How to describe synthwave... Think of the music playing in Stranger Things when the kiddos have to quickly ride their bikes from a rendezvous in the woods and make it home just in time for Mrs. Wheeler to serve a piping hot TV dinner that can be washed down with a Crystal Pepsi. Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, anyways I've been checking out various synthwave stuff staring with the soundtrack to Ryan Gosling's smash hit film Drive and I've become a fan! Through the power of Instagram I discovered synthwave maker Dreamkid (@Dreamkid83 on instagram) who posts wildly accurate descriptions of his songs. He has cooked up music for situations like "it's 1987 and you're walking along the beach after an an intense argument" or "it's 1986, you're at your office late at night doing some after hours work and you end up in a passionate session with your attractive boss on a desk". I wasn't even born in the 80's and the music he makes for these situations are always on point! He has an album Daggers that came out recently, but his song 'Chrissy' has been gracing my speakers pretty often all summer. Give Dreamkid a follow and listen to his stuff! He also has a terrific synthwave reimagining of What's My Age Again that I hope makes it to Spotify at some point.

7. Peach Kelli Pop- The Sign (Ace of Base) cover: Peach Kelli Pop rules. I think she has a great voice and I love that bubblegum pop rock style. 'Heart Eyes' is my favorite song of theirs but this summer I have been cranking their cover of The Sign, by Swedish sensations Ace of Base. To me, a good cover is done in a new style, without making the cover too weird. I want to be able to at least know what song is being covered, and not totally reworked. This one is a fun ripper that is at a much faster speed than the original, giving it a nifty little dash of punk rock to it. PKP absolutely nailed this one and it will brighten up even the grayest of beach days. 

6. Japandroids- Chicago: I love the enigmatic Japandroids. Best thing to come out of Canada since Pam Anderson in my opinion. Japandroids love to release music, tour for an ungodly amount of time and then go radio silent for years. This was the case for the past 6 or so years but last week the radio silence was ended when they announced a single, and that their next album will be their final one. I will be sad to see them go. for a band consisting of just a drummer and a guitarist, they kick a lot of ass. While their previous album left me wanting more, I have faith with their new single 'Chicago'. It's their true sound. There is a good anthem type of aesthetic and vibe to Japandroids and 'Chicago' fits it well. The only thing I don't understand is how the hell it didn't come out in time for season 3 of The Bear? Would've fit in perfectly in my humble opinion. Oh well. Maybe we can get it in season 4 during a scene where Carm inevitably loses his damn mind. Long live Japandroids!

5. FIDLAR- DOWN N OUT: As a Fidiot, I will always champion these guys. When this came out last week I texted the news to my dear friend Dan Allen. His immediate response? "Those guys hate sobriety". He's not wrong! Like any good skate/surf punk band from California, songs about partying and getting fucked up and laid and drinking and drugs and burritos and surfing are always going to be FIDLAR's bread and butter. This one strays from that a bit. I gotta say DOWN N OUT is kind of a love song? It's rather refreshing! It is not a real raging ripper of a loud punk song that you may thing. It's more of a melodic love song from the guys. I enjoy the shit out of this and it fits into the summer vibes. 

and now, for the final 4, I'd like to make an announcement: I am having a Brat Summer.

I have hitched my wagon to Charli XCX. Let the record show that while this blogpost is a little late, I was on it before Kamala Harris! I love the idea of a brat summer. I want a revival of Indie Sleaze and this is a perfect dance sleaze album to lead the charge. It's banger after banger. This is what Katy Perry thought she was going to do this Summer with her awful Woman's World album that is currently flopping. Suck it Katy Perry. You've been nothing since Left Shark upstaged you. This is Brat Summer and either join the bandwagon or get the hell out of the way! I love the whole album so I'm not going to droll on and on about how awesome every song is, but here are my top 4 with brief explanations

4. Apple: Apple is a bop. It only loses points because of the TikTok dance that goes along with it. I hate TikTok and it's stupid dances. What are kids doing these days? Go shoplift a pack of smokes and chill at at a dead end of a street or something. This generation makes me sick. Ooh let me make up a lil jig and hopefully millions of other nerds will copy my lil jig. GOD I HATE IT. Anyways Apple is a great song. 

3. Mean girls: Divine! Simply divine! Excellent work here by Chuck XCX. I especially like that it has a beat that reminds me of David Guetta featuring Akon's hit song 'Sexy Bitch'. I hope some of you read that just now and had an AHA! moment. I sure did when I realized what song it reminded ME of and I'm feeling proud. Besides the beat and the description of the type of girl who would have ruined me back in 2013, the little keyboard solo there in the middle is a nice change of pace. This one is for the mean girls...and me I guess. 

2. 365: It's about damn time we got a club anthem that mentions doing a key and a line. Drugs in clubs ain't dead after all, folks! Bump it, indeed. The beat is so catchy it makes me actually miss being a wallflower at a club sipping on an extremely overpriced gin and tonic and not making a move on any girl. Ah, those were the days! Retired occasional club kid gives this the ultimate stamp of approval. I even want to...dance. This song does it all: slaps, bops, fucks, hits and is just overall one hell of a swell tune! 

1. 360: It's the song of the Summer. Book it! I wanted to be annoyed by the fact that the Julia mentioned in the tune is in fact Julia Fox. I totally get it. She was a scene queen and has an aura about her blah blah blah. It works for the song. My issue is I can't stand Julia Fox and the way she says "Uncut" and "Gems". She really annoys me. Because of this, I decided to not think of Julia Fox when I listen to this song. I replace her with Julia Child. Problem solved! Try it for yourself if you are a Julia Fox hater like me. "I'm so Julia, ah ah ah ah ah" is a lot more fun thinking of the queen of french cooking shows! For real though, while it obviously has the same beat as 365, it stands out on its own. It was a total toss up between the two for the number one spot but I give the edge to 360. Just because I can. 

I look forward to reading your reports on how you spent your brat summer due the first day of school. I hope you all have a wonderful brat summer. I know I will!

Very Sad: A 2023 Boston Bruins Playlist

Alright so the Bruins may or may not have broken a lot of hearts this past Sunday night. What was a historic regular season turned into an utter embarrassment as they lost in 7 games to the shitty Florida Panthers. I won't dwell on the series long outside of keeping in mind that it was the Florida god damn Panthers. Leading up to the end of the season, Bruins coach Jim Montgomery chose to make Bryan Adams hit "Summer of 69" the official team song, as it was the "best days of our lives". That choice of song was the first time I thought to myself, "hmm...maybe this won't end well". That song kinda sucks. It's just...Bryan Adams. I don't think anyone on the planet considers that their favorite song, no matter the situation. The purpose of this blog is to give all of you still reeling from the epic playoff disaster a playlist that will make you feel bet....well it'll make you feel something.

I want to address the angst, needs and frustration all Bruins fans are feeling. Therefore, it may be eclectic but I think I compiled a nice 20 song playlist that you can all come to appreciate. And if you don't appreciate it? Well, Bucko, I believe that I have the best taste of music ever, so, there!

Without any further ado: The 2023 Boston Bruins Playoff Disaster Playlist

'Family Reunion' - Blink 182: If you are familiar with this song, you know why it is here. If you are not familiar with this song, I'd recommend googling the lyrics or make sure you listen to it with headphones on because the words may shock anyone nearby who may overhear. I reckon many of us were singing...well, saying, these lyrics in some way, shape, or form when the Panthers tied up the game with a minute left.

'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' - The Smiths: Food doesn't have any taste. Things are numb. Joy is lost. Everything stinks.

'Until the Day I Die' - Story of the Year: This is a throwback song to get the anger out. I like to think I spill my heart for the Bruins, and whatever is spilling out of said heart is definitely black and gold. The screaming in this song is a good way to get the frustration out. 10 out of 10 don't recommend trying this at Karaoke. Your vocal chords are precious, people! Take care of them!

MTV2 flashbacks for anyone else?

'Boys Don't Cry' - The Cure: Right? RIGHT!?

'Thank U' - Dido: I would like to thank the Bruins for giving us the most fun regular season I have ever seen in my entire life! Every single game seemed like they had a chance to win, no matter the odds. That cannot be cast aside. It was a fun run. Oh god dammit who am I kidding this sucks the regular season is meaningless and NONE OF THIS MATTERS WITHOUT A STANLEY CUP GAHHHHHH WHY GOD WHY.

'Constant Headache' - Joyce Manor: This one goes out to Matthew Tkachuk. I hate him but I sure wouldn't mind if he was a Bruin. What a pain in the ass. 

Zack Kassian doing the Lord's work here.

'Rock Lobster' - The B-52's: Okay so I know this one seems random but hear me out. There is no wrong time to listen to Rock Lobster. It is a weird, catchy-as-hell song, and it provides the listener a great distraction from things when they make all the supposed noises of sea creatures like narwals, sea robins and even jellyfish. It really is an amazing song when you come to think of it. Kind of haunting? Anyways, it's a distraction to quit thinking of Sam Bennett being such an annoying prick all series long.  

'Hard to Explain' - The Strokes: A song fitting for when a team who won 65 out of 82 games in the regular season gets bounced in the first round of playoffs to the little brother team of Florida, who has something called a Radko Gudas playing defense for them. Nothing makes sense. 

'Let's Get Fucked Up and Die' - Motion City Soundtrack: I'm (not) speaking figuratively, of course. I imagine this was the general feeling of the crowd leaving the Boston Garden in the pouring rain on their way to Sullivan's Tap. In times like this, as the Irish like to, you just have to look towards the bottom of a glass in silence to try and figure out what the hell just happened. Please note: there is never a good answer. 

'Break Stuff' - Limp Bizkit: I'm not telling you to always follow the advice of Fred Durst and Co. but this song at the very least sums up what a lot of us wanted to do (they were up 3 games to 1 and blew it!!!!!!!! God I hate sports so damn much).

'The World Has Turned and Left Me Here' - Weezer: A song of loneliness to pair with the abysmal feeling of being left out...of round 2 of the damn playoffs. 

'That's Life' - Frank Sinatra: I mean, yeah disappointment is a part of life. I'm more interested in the end of the song where Ol' Blue Eyes says he wants to roll up into a big ball and diiiiiiiiiiiie. 

'Cruel Summer' - Bananarama: I think back to 2011 and how awesome of a summer that was. To be fair, turning 21 that July helped things, but having that Stanley Cup winning run happening all summer long was amazing. This summer? A whole lot of what if's and god-dammits while thinking of what could have been. Cruel indeed.

2011 was awesome. So many Miller Lites in Vortex bottles

'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?' - Culture Club: I know they didn't want to hurt us, but the hurt happened. 

'I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself' - The White Stripes: What the shit am I supposed to do from now until mid June? Watch some other trash hockey team go out and win the Stanley Cup? Time to take up some new hobbies. Crochet sounds nice. Maybe there's a bobsled track nearby? Need to pass the time.

'I'm So Tired' - Fugazi: A nice simple song from hardcore legends Fugazi. "I'm so tired, sheep are counting me". Yep. I'm so damn tired of being disappointed year in and year out. 

'It Will All End in Tears' - The Drums: Sad. Self explanatory. Would've been a lot cooler if it ended in tears of happiness. 

'What It Is To Burn' - Finch: For the emo's out there. It's really just about that guttural scream after the big breakdown. It's rather fitting to get out the angst and emotions after all those turnovers the Bruins gave up. 

'My Hero' - Foo Fighters: This one goes out to Patrice Bergeron. The man is a saint. There should be a statue of him already in the planning stages. If this was indeed it for the Captain, it was a hell of a run. He is a hockey coach's dream example of a perfect player on and off the ice. 

'Somebody Kill Me Please' - Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer: 'Oh somebody kill me please, somebody kill me please, I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please, kill me'. Drastic? Absolutely! Does it hit home after the events of Sunday evening? Also, absolutely. 

This one hurts. It's going to take some time to get over this one. 

Nothing makes sense.

Up is down. Left is right. 

Misery. It's all the rage right now.

Not Very Cool(ey) Of You!

Well cut off my legs and call me Shorty! Today was not the greatest day for fans of the recently underwhelming Providence College Friars. The Friar Faithful all took a shot to the nether regions when our worst nightmare of coach Ed Cooley leaving became true. Not only that, but leaving to take the helm of fellow Big East member/rival Georgetown. Basically, Ed Cooley is Tom Sandoval, Friar fans are Ariana, and Georgetown is Raquel. I guess this makes me James Kennedy because here I am about to rant and rave like a lunatic but hey whatever works. 

What the shit gives, Ed?

I’m going to get all the praise out of the way to get it out of my system. Coach Cooley was good for PC. When he took over for that dolt Keno Davis, it was a sort of dark ages for PC Hoops. Cooley came in and turned it around relatively quick. It’s hard to complain when they won a Big East tournament title, a Big East regular season title, multiple trips to March Madness, making the transfer portal his bitch, and overall building PC into a team that was no longer a joke. For that, I thank you! It was a hell of a run. It was nice to no longer be a laughingstock, basement dweller charter member of the Big East. As I write this, I’m kind of feeling slightly bad about ripping a guy who did all this…but then I quickly remember how the last month of the season went, and all the questionable at best nonsense that has come out in the last few days. 

I don’t really feel too bad anymore.

As it turns out, Cooley put his house in East Greenwich up for sale 3ish weeks ago, which coincides perfectly with the slump that began for the Friars. The team definitely found out and gave up all hope, and who can blame them? Why bust your ass and play hard for a guy who already made up his mind to sell out and go to a rival school before the season is even over? For someone who always prided himself on professionalism, stepping up and doing the right thing, this is how you are going to leave PC? Take care of business, except when that new job offer is waiting for you. You owed it to this fan base and the kids you recruited to at least give it your all for the rest of this year. This was not a lost season up until 3 weeks ago. This team could have made a run in March Madness but it all went to hell, and it’s a shame. As for the future, it’s also a damn shame that you’re ripping apart this program that you built up. Kids are de-committing already, and apparently some kid from TCU agreed to transfer to Georgetown amazingly quick after the news broke. I know there was a follow up report that it’s not true and the kid hasn’t actually decided, but we all know you brokered that shit to get him to Georgetown while you were still under contract at PC, and that’s shady as hell. That interview you did was bizarre and no one believes a word that you say. “This was my dream job”. “It’s not about the money.” Yeah okay. Do you think we are stupid? Not one fan thinks that Georgetown asked you what you wanted and you did you best Dr. Evil impression and said ‘I want Six MILLIONNN DOLLARS!’ And Georgetown was just like oh okay yeah sure. 

We all know you looked up to Georgetown (…and PC) legend John Thompson. I know you’ve mentioned how big of an influence he was and how you wanted to lead a program like him. That’s all well and good Buddy but why couldn’t you have done it here, where you already had something built? Just because you want to be like John Thompson doesn’t mean you have to do it at Georgetown itself. You could’ve had it all here in Providence. You had the path to carve out a nice long career here. You’ll could’ve had a statue out on the Aquinas quad. You could’ve gotten your own line of local pasta or Marinara sauce like Rick Pitino and Buddy Cianci did. There could very well have been a Cooley Center built on Eaton Street. But now? Now you’re just like the rest of them. Pitino, Barnes, and all the rest who simply used PC as a stepping stone. Unlike the others, you were the one to be all proud to be a son of Providence. Coming home to a ‘dream job’ who took great care of you. How many raises did you get from PC? You had it all here and now you’ve taken everything you built up just to go to a rival in the same damn conference. Fans would have been much more understandable had it been a job with Duke or UNC or something like that. Not a program that Patrick Ewing left in a worse state than his own knees. 

You want to be John Thompson? Best of luck to ya! You’re chasing a legacy that you simply won’t match at Gtown, with a very tall shadow lurking that you won’t be able to escape. I think Thompson himself would be questioning why you’re giving all this up. 

The state of Rhode Island has a bit of a Napoleonic Complex. Do not cross us! This place is small but mighty! It’s not all sunshine and Del’s lemonade stands. I cannot wait until the day comes that you come back to the Dunk (Dunk not AMP. I refuse to acknowledge it as the AMP). That place is going to be buzzing. Joe DiMaggio said ‘they can boo as loud as they can cheer’, and you know how loud the Dunk could get during the glory days before you turned your back on everyone. 

I have to laugh now thinking of that line you always had about the Friars that looked nice on t-shirts:

Us, We, Together, Family, Friars. 

Bull. Shit. See you at the Dunk. 

Super Bowls, Whoppers and the Renaissance of Pam Anderson

The Super Bowl is near! To sum it up short and sweet, this matchup kind of sucks. Philly is a terrible city. I’m sick of Patrick Mahomes, his idiot brother, his douchebag of a tight end and his annoying-ass wife. The only thing I’m rooting for this year will be my various Super Bowl squares, some meme worthy content (never forget Left Shark!), and Rihanna because who doesn’t like Rihanna?  Also, I don’t understand why the media is so obsessed with Jason and Travis Kelce’s Mom? Are we as a society really at a point where we are supposed to be obsessed with this woman just because her two sons are good at football? I hope they let her do the coin flip and the entire stadium boos her out of Arizona. Utter nonsense. Anyways!  This weekend usually provides some good pop culture content, so I felt the urge to right up a good ol’ fashioned pop culture smorgasbord for old times sake. 

Boo this woman!

There seems to be a certain renaissance of late 90’s and early 00’s superstars here in 2023, and I am all about it. Jennifer Coolidge is a gift from the comedy Gods. Brendan Fraser back in Hollywood is a feel good story, especially with all the weird shit that happened to get him blacklisted by studios. Let’s do him right and get a new Mummy movie. Pam Anderson is once again the baddest bitch on the planet, a title that should never have left her. This is great to see! Icons are icons for a reason. Hell, even Bennifer is back together of J Lo and Affleck…holy shit I hope they make a Gigli 2! Please God make Gigli 2. What could go wrong?!

...and bring this hat back into style!

While I’m not the biggest fan of their food, I have to give Burger King their props for their marketing teams. I was obsessed with the creepiness of the BK King in their ads. That magnificent bastard was creepy as all hell yet it would always make me laugh when he popped up out of nowhere. Maybe that says something about me but it’s the truth. Now they have their catchy Whopper Whopper jingles that could and should take home a Grammy next year. They have managed to create something that has instantly gone viral and now covered/remixed by TikTokers. It’s the catchiest song I’ve heard in a while and it shows how important a simple jingle can be. I don’t know about you but if I ever need flooring, I’m rolling with Empire Today because of their ear-virus of a jingle. That stuff works! I hope you all eat like a King who’s on a budget this weekend.

An Icon seen here with Bob Baffert

Are the Charlotte Hornets the most random team in the history of American sports? This dawned on me when thinking about the popularity of the purple and teal starter jackets that randomly everyone owned. You either had a Chicago Bulls (duh), Orlando Magic (Shaq and Penny Hardaway) or a Charlotte Hornets one. The fact that they had an iconic Starter jacket may have been the high water mark for them as a franchise. They haven’t won a playoff series since the 2003/2004 season. Their most famous player had to be Muggsy Bogues, and that was mostly because he was a little fella and got some screen time in Space Jam. Throw in the fact that they moved to New Orleans, then got a new team as the godawful Charlotte Bobcats and then switched back to the Hornets…there’s a lot of weirdness going on there. This has really been weighing on me lately. It’s my slow season at work. Cut me some slack. 

The Razzies got in trouble for nominating some girl who was like 10 for her performance in some movie I never heard of and people got mad. Meh. If Shirley Temple could win an Oscar, and Macaulay Culkin could make Home Alone and Home Alone 2, this girl could have simply stepped up to the plate and been better. I blame her presumably awful stage Mom. 

UFC head honcho Dana White has a new show called Power Slap where it looks like a bunch of drunk guys who never leave their home town stand still and slap each other in the face. I caught about 24 seconds of an episode while looking for the remote to change the channel, and I felt dirty just glancing at it. This has to be the lamest thing on television, right? There was so much more entertainment in the hallway fights back in high school. Some of those were legitimate battles! I just find it amazing that this show of slap and tickle matches got the green light for a real network deal. We used to be a proper country. Bring back Most Extreme Elimination Challenge already.

The only bigger head scratcher of a TV show still on has to be the fact that Chrisley Knows Best just kicked off a new season despite Todd and Julie starting their prison sentences. USA Network just acts like nothing has happened and they just love filming all the totally not staged hijinks with the grandma and weirdo kids. I really do think Todd Chrisley’s biggest gripe is that he won’t be allowed to have his face moisturizers in the pen. I cannot wait to see the before and after photos of him when he gets out of prison. You know how they always show pictures side by side of Presidents on their first and last day in office? This has potential to be blow all of those out of the water. I know you can learn to make toilet wine in prison but I’m not sure if anyone has perfected toilet Botox yet. Poor bastard.

I bet he'll be saying this quite a few times over the next 12 years.

People love the notion of Super Bowl commercials even though they seem to be few and far between in terms of quality these days. Not a whole lot really have the staying power that they used to. This whole M+M’s ad campaign about a name change with Maya Rudolph is a waste of time. It seems exactly like the flop of when IHOP tried to jokingly rebrand as IHOB (you know, burgers instead of pancakes). The only noteworthy thing about it is Tucker Carlson getting all hot and bothered over the sexy green M+M and her shoes. That weirdo has got some kind of perverted mind if you ask me! Obsessing over a candy person. Sheesh. His poor wife. Outside of that, I guess the inevitable Ben Affleck Dunkin’ Donuts commercial could have a chance at being an all-timer. Just don’t over-Boston it. It’s played out. The accent jokes are too easy and lame. 

While this blog is all for funsies and the point is to skewer all things pop culture or whatever, may I please pass along my deepest condolences to the legendary Burt Bacharach, cut down in his prime at the tender age of 94 today. 

Your performance in ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ and ‘Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me’ were spellbinding. As a youth, I thought it was the classiest thing in the world to try and woo a woman by hiring Burt Bacharach whilst on top of a double decker bus in Las Vegas. Mr. Bacharach dressed to the nines, tickling the ivories with a candelabra resting on top of his piano, all while drinking champagne on the Vegas strip was the epitome of class. In fact, when I was planning the first date with my girlfriend, I tried to recreate this. I was dismayed to learn that Mr. Bacharach was 91 years old and double decker buses don’t really do a lot of sightseeing in New York City in the first week of February. 

Anyways, rest in power, Burt. You brought a lot of joy to my generation via a couple cameos. 

Tostitos: Spice Up My Life!

 I like to consider myself a man of refined taste. I like the finer things in life and one of the finest things that I have enjoyed over the years is salsa con queso. When it comes to salsa con queso, Tostitos is the king. A true titan of the queso industry. Tostitos salsa con queso is something that has always been there for me. In need of an uplifting snack after the work day? Tostitos queso. Need some sustenance after stumbling home drunk from the bar after too many Narragansett tall boys? Tostitos queso. Just overall bored by life’s mundane moments? Tostitos queso. 

awesomeness in a jar

Tostitos salsa con queso has brought an absurd amount of joy into my life at literally any hour of the day. It’s mix of cheese with chilies and whatever else is in there is utterly divine. This being said, however, I must admit that here in the year of our lord Twenty Hundred and Twenty Three, I have one small gripe with my beloved Tostitos: I need more heat. Gimme more heat.

Why be mild when you can get wild, baby! This is the flaming hot generation. I challenge Tostitos to step up and give the good people of the world what they deserve: spicy salsa con queso! In case you didn’t know, their salsa con queso dip is only available in 'medium'. I am not one to mess with perfection, but I do think we can try to advance perfection by also have the spicier alternative available at grocery stores near you. I mean think about it, flaming hot this, flaming hot that. Flaming hot tires, flaming hot air fresheners, flaming hot towels, you name it, flaming hot has taken over and has become a way of life for most people. Shoutout to Cheeto’s for starting this movement, I guess. 

I mean if even Funyuns can get flaming hot...

Tostitos already has their spicy habanero salsa, quite tasty may I add, so why not up the ante on the queso as well? What could go wrong? Your so sales go so far through the roof that you may need to pay for a new one? This is a no-brainer. You already have the chip and dip industry in a chokehold. Now is the time to give the industry a stone cold stunner and finish the job. I believe that this is one of the few things that everyone in this country can actually agree on. 

Meg thy stallion knows flaming hot is the trend

As a very proud queso connoisseur (…quesonoisseur? May need to workshop this one) it is time to begin a new movement. I hope this blog not only finds Tostitos well, but it gives someone with a lot of brains the idea to pitch to the big board meeting next week or whatever. We deserve more spice in our life! My honest wish is that by the Super Bowl 2024, I will be able to heat up a nice big bowl of Tostitos Spicy Salsa Con Queso, rip open a bag of Tostitos scoops and have myself one hell of a day. It won’t even matter who’s playing or how much money I’ll have lost on various bets. As long as spicy salsa con queso is around, I’ll feel like a winner. 

Make it happen, people! Let the movement begin! 

No. Turnstile Didn’t Sell Out, Dummy

Nacho fries are back at Taco Bell. How do I know that? I was on my iPad playing Mario Kart when I almost snapped my neck looking up at my TV when the opening riff to Turnstile’s smash hit ‘Holiday’ hit my earbuds. Hearing Turnstile is always an honor and a pleasure, but I must admit I was caught off guard when it was for a Taco Bell commercial. It was unexpected but awesome. Kinda like watching the Muppets and Gonzo dropping an f-bomb. 

close enough!

Taco Bell is chill. I appreciate their ‘live mas’ attitude. Taco Bell even tries to make people care about baseball with their annual steal a base, steal a taco promotion. I’d say the Turnstile fan base likes to live mas as well. Crank some Turnstile while enjoying a nice cheesy gordita crunch with a Baja blast to wash it down and you are living the dream my friend. 

This is where I want to take my head and pound it against a wall for a good hour: people immediately arguing if Turnstile “sold out” by lending their music to a fucking Taco Bell commercial. 

What year is it? I know people long for the nostalgia of the 90’s, but one thing that can stay the hell back in the old days is the notion that bands sell out over trying to make a few bucks when they get an offer. People need to calm the hell down. It’s not like they have the AFLAC duck emblazoned on their drum kit or commercials for Subway play between songs at their live shows. Band tees that feature a Toyota logo would suck, but I don’t exactly see that happening anywhere. 

This is like the millennial version of an old person yelling at a cloud.  I find it nauseating that people allow themselves to get upset over the fact that someone wanted to pay Turnstile some money for a commercial and they said yeah sure. Why don’t people complain about soundtracks? Bands get paid for that stuff too. No one says The Rolling Stones sold out for Gimme Shelter appearing in every single movie trailer ever made. 

It especially grinds my gears seeing people complain on Twitter, bandying about selling out and shit when they are most likely the same people who haven’t even bought any merch, albums, cds, concert tickets or anything. The most they do is listen to them on Spotify or Apple Music which pays about 0.00001 cent for every play and think they are doing their part and Turnstile should cater to THEIR wishes and demands. 

Turnstile is finishing up one of the best years any band has had in a long time. The ‘Glow On’ tour was an epic success (I was blessed by them at the first night of the two Boston shows and they kicked so much ass live it was incredible). They just got nominated for multiple Grammy awards. They have been making the late night circuit. Everything is turning up Turnstile, and that’s great to see. Holy shit, imagine that! Feeling happy for a band that you like!!! Wow! What a novel notion! 

If you really are bothered by this, find help. I simply don’t understand being upset for a band you (allegedly) appreciate obtain some financial success. There guys need to make money to live their lives just like you do. Do you really not understand that this is their job? I bet no one reading this goes to work every day making zero money. I’ll tell you this, if they didn’t make any money doing this, Turnstile would have to get day jobs which would then mean fewer shows and albums and songs and hey look no more Turnstile. I can’t believe this is still a topic that needs to be discussed in 2022 because I am just so incensed that people still have this old fashion way of thinking. If you like a band or musician, support them. And don’t get all angry if they are offered some money for a commercial. It’s 2022, no one pays for cds anymore. We can all grow up and accept this. 

Turnstile sent me!

We, as a society, need to give up on the selling out bullshit. You should be more concerned if a band completely changes a sound or message. If Turnstile’s next album went full on country pop and every song was bout a different fast food chain, well okay we can discuss that.

I, for one, hope that Turnstile makes millions because they are tremendous. I also hope this deal with Taco Bell got them all a lifetime supply of Mexican pizzas. They deserve it!